Am I Asking Too Much?
“Am I asking too much?” If this question has ever kept you up at night (or at least made you hesitate before hitting “send” on a text), you’re not alone. I hear this all the time in my work as a therapist for anxious people-pleasers, so let’s break it down together. Here are some key questions to help you figure it out.
Note: I’m going to focus on what we ask of partners, but most of these questions also apply to what we ask of our family and friends.
Question #1: What am I actually asking for?
Clearly define this for yourself. “I want my partner to be better” is usually too vague to be helpful, whereas “I want my partner to listen to me without interrupting” is more specific and actionable.
This step might feel tough — especially if you were taught not to have overt desires. But getting clear on what you want is the first step toward actually getting it.
Tip: Sometimes it helps to ask, “If there were a movie of what I want, what would the actors be doing (or not doing)?” Maybe there’s an actual movie that comes to mind—what’s happening in it?
Question #2: Am I asking my partner to fulfill me in every way?
It’s natural to want love and support from your partner, but no one person can single-handedly fulfill all of your needs and desires for companionship, stability, sexual adventure, excitement, intellectual stimulation, emotional support, social engagement, and a sense of meaning and purpose. (And the list goes on.)
Is it reasonable to want some of this from your partner? Absolutely. But expecting them to be your everything sets you both up for disappointment. We all need to diversify how we get our needs met—this includes expanding our social support systems and learning how to meet some of our own needs.
Which leads into…
Question #3: Am I asking my partner to do my own healing work for me?
As in, I’m partnered, that should heal all of my trauma, anxiety, depression, insecurity, loneliness, etc!
Can your partner be an integral part of your healing? Hell yes.
Can they do it all for you? Hell no.
Take body image, for example. You might think, “My partner should make me feel secure and confident about my body.”
Honestly, yes, it’d be hard to feel great about your body if your partner criticizes your body, isn’t attracted to you, or rarely expresses their attraction.
And also—even if your partner tells you that you’re “amazing just the way you are” every day, if you have your own stuff to work through (like a harsh inner critic, constant exposure to triggering media, or body trauma), you might still not believe it. You have to do your own work, too.
Question #4: Am I asking for perfection? (And is this an area where I truly need perfection?)
There are times when “perfection” is necessary for safety—like “I want my partner to never drive under the influence” or “I want my partner to never degrade me.” But in other areas, perfection might not be realistic—or even the real goal.
Do you need for your home to be immaculately clean, or would it be enough that dishes are washed daily, trash is taken out, and laundry makes it into the hamper? Do you need your partner to always be on time, or would it be enough that they let you know when they’re running late?
Only you can know what’s good enough for you. This isn’t about “lowering your standards” but getting clarity on what’s actually important to you - and what’s realistically possible.
Which leads us to ...
Question #5: Am I asking for something that is humanly possible?
Expecting your partner to be superhuman is a recipe for disappointment. When you find yourself here, ask if there’s a more realistic request that still honors your need or desire.
For example, “I want my partner to always know what I need without me having to ask” is basically “I want my partner to read my mind.” That’s not humanly possible, but is still a super common desire!
How would it feel to reframe the request as one of these?
“I want my partner to generally remember what I’ve asked for in the past.”
“I want my partner to respond positively when I express a need or want.”
“I want my partner to give me a hug when I’ve had a rough day.”
What if what you’re asking for isn’t just an action, but a fundamental trait of who someone is?
Question #6: Am I asking for a trait change? (If so, how important is this to me?)
Trait changes include things like introversion vs. extroversion or personal interests (such as “I want my partner to share my passion for robotics”).
“I want you to be a social butterfly” probably isn’t realistic to ask of a super introvert. But “I want you to work on managing your anxiety so I can be social (with or without you)” leaves more room for possibility.
How strongly do you want to share your extroverted social life with your partner? Would you be okay with a compromise, like going out while your partner stays home—but without them guilting you for it, and without you shaming them for staying in?
If not, it’s worth asking: Can I accept this difference, or is this a dealbreaker for me?
Trait requests are tricky. They’re not inherently “too much”, but they might be “too much” for a specific person. It’s like trying to buy oranges from an apple orchard. There’s nothing wrong with wanting oranges—you just won’t find them there.
Question #7: Am I asking for something that will disrupt my partner’s sleep, work or other relationships?
The area I see this most often is when one partner wants the other to be “more accessible” than the other, such as “I want you to respond to my texts right away, even if you’re working, sleeping, or spending time with someone else.”
Every relationship requires sacrifice. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who never chooses them over something else? And, it’s important to aim for balance and to understand the functional impact of your request on your partner. Do you actually want to push your partner to have to decide between you and getting fired at work?
Some people love to stay in constant contact throughout the day (and night), and others don’t. Talk about what each person’s core need is, and see if there’s room to figure out an arrangement that works for all of you.
Question #8: Am I asking or demanding?
Asking: “I’m going to a party on Saturday, and I’d love for you to come! But I understand if you’d rather stay home.”
Demanding: “I’m going to a party on Saturday, and you’re coming too.”
There’s a big difference between a request and an expectation. One leaves room for your partner’s autonomy, and the other doesn’t.
#9: The Friend Tests
Test #1: Imagine a friend told you she wasn’t getting this thing in her relationship and wondered if she should ask for it. How would you respond? Your gut reaction might give you insight into whether your request is reasonable.
Test #2: Talk to a trusted friend—someone with both good judgment and kindness. Their perspective might help you see the situation more clearly.
Next Steps: Boundaries
Of course, requests are only one part of getting our needs met in healthy relationships. The next vital step? Boundaries. What will you do if your partner says no to your request—or continues doing something you’ve said you’re not okay with?
More to come!
