Saying “No”
Some kiddos go through a “no” phase, where “No!” is their default answer to everything. Interactions between the child and caregiver might sound like this:
“It’s time for bed”“No!”
“Let’s read a book”
“No!”
“Would you like your favorite toy?”
“No!”
I’m not a parent but understand this can be an infuriating, patience-testing period of time for everyone involved.
And as a recovering people-pleaser, there is also something delightful and inspiring to me about this.
The child is learning the power of their “no”, how it can be used for good and evil. Hopefully, the child will learn that “no” can be used in many healthy ways, including:
for protection (of self and others)
to make space for their yes’s
to be kind to others through their clarity and truthfulness
to honor the child’s needs and desires
In the long run, it’s not healthy or helpful to always default to “no”. But it’s also not helpful to get rid of “no” altogether. Imagine the person who can’t say “no”. They are:
less able to say “yes” and mean it
tempted to lie, overcommit, and over promise to avoid the negative consequences of an honest “no”
only partially known or understood (by others and possibly by themselves either)
unable to defend themselves
at risk of becoming resentful and/or traumatized by the lack of choice
Concretely, this might look like:
You keep eating at that restaurant your friends/partners like but you don’t
You agree to take on projects at work that you don’t have capacity or skill for
People keep giving you weird gifts that aren’t at all your style
You feel resentful about people having access to your resources (financial, time, energy, emotion) beyond what you’re willing to give
Of course, one person’s “no” often causes distress for others (and self). It’s okay to be disappointed by someone’s “no”. We need to increase our own tolerance for “no’s” as a matter of respecting our and their autonomy and agency, and it’s reasonable to expect this in return from others.
Healthy people respect others’ boundaries.
And here we should acknowledge that not everyone is healthy. “No” is a powerful word, and there are people and systems who actively don’t want you to be powerful, who feel threatened by your empowerment and who want to hold onto all the power for themselves.
Not everyone will respect your “no”. Saying “no” is not always safe. There are times and situations where an honest “no” could threaten your career, your relationship, your life.
If I tell my boss I’m considering quitting, they might fire me
If I ask to do activities that I like, my partner might leave me
If I say “no” to a catcall, the situation might escalate into violence
When we think about saying “no” we need to take into account factors of power and privilege so that we don’t gaslight ourselves or others. For example, years ago when I worked at a non-profit, it was only after I had amassed a substantial amount of power that I was able to push back against the office bully.
If you find yourself hiding your “no” out of safety concerns, I encourage you to thank the part of you that’s trying to keep you safe, and seek out a person or space where it’s safe enough to honor your “no”.
Because when we honor our “no” we’re more able to honor our “yes”, and you deserve the safety and empowerment to honor and celebrate your “yes”.
Affirmations to honor your “no”
I honor my “no”
I honor my human limitations
I find safe ways to practice my “no”
Reflection
Body Scan: if you’d like, you might take a few moments to notice what sensations (if any) you feel in your body upon reading this. You might notice them with curiosity, no judgment.
Journal Prompts:
What comes up for you when you think of saying “no” to someone? You might list any thoughts/feelings/memories/sensations/desires that arise.
Is there any area of your life where you’d like to say “no” but haven’t? You might reflect on why, with curiosity and compassion for yourself.
How has your ability to say “no” been impacted by the family and culture you grew up in, and factors such as class, race, gender, religion, etc?
Parts Check-In: If you’d like, you might check in with your parts to see how they’re doing with this topic. Would any of them like to talk with you about what’s coming up for them? You might ask them what they’re feeling (afraid? excited?) and what they’d like for you to know about this. As always, the invitation is to listen with curiosity, like you would with someone you love.
One Small Action:
If you’d like, you might pick one small area where you can experiment with saying an honest “no”. If this is new-ish or scary, you can honor that and pick something that is lower-risk.
