Asking for Help

Asking for help is very vulnerable. It involves acknowledging your need and opening yourself up to being let down. And it is vital to being human.

Unhelpful beliefs that get in the way

Thinking about asking for help can bring up numerous self-defeating myths and beliefs, including:

Asking for help means I’m weak.

I’m a burden if I ask for help, so I shouldn’t ask for help.

Others will let me down.

I have to be self-sufficient.

These beliefs must be addressed in order to ask for (and give) help in a healthy way.

It can help to turn toward the beliefs with curiosity and ask what alternative, compassionate belief you might hold instead. For example:

Asking for help means I’m human (and that’s ok)

I honor peoples’ limits and boundaries when they’re unable/unwilling to help me.

I’m not a burden; I’m a human.

Others might let me down, and I use my wisdom and discernment to decide who to ask for help.

I don’t have to be self-sufficient.

I am self-powerful and receive support from others.

You need to be clear

Asking for help also requires that we be clear. Hinting and hiding a request within a bunch of clutter like “maybe” and “no big deal” when it is a big deal obscures your request and makes it hard for the other person to know what or even if you’re asking for.

Here are some examples of unclear requests:

We have guests coming over, so maybe if you have time maybe tidy up a bit? If you can’t get to it, I know you’re busy, so no worries either way.

I put the laundry in the washer.

I’m working on my paper and wonder if you might be able to look it over, no big deal if not, just wondering since that could be nice. No pressure! I’m also asking others so really no stress, just if you want to.

Here are some clearer examples:

Can we make a plan together to tidy the house for our guests tonight? I don’t think I’ll be able to clean it all on my own and could really use your help.

I put the laundry in the washer. Could you please move it to the dryer at 8:30?

Could you proofread my paper for typos and to see if it makes sense? I’ll need suggestions back by Monday at noon. Please let me know if not, so that I can also ask others. Thanks!

Your friends, family, coworkers etc cannot read your mind and guess what you need. (At least, not all of the time.) Help them help you, and help yourself not become resentful of them for not helping you.

Respect Others’ Boundaries

It’s ok to ask for help; it’s not ok to demand help. If you’re worried about inadvertently burdening or pressuring someone, you might explicitly give them an out. And by explicitly, I mean something like, “It’s ok if you say no - just let me know”, NOT, “if you’re too f****** lazy, I’ll do it myself” 🙃

Finally, be kind to yourself. Especially if any of this is new, hard or scary. Take it slow. There is no rush.